L.A. Noire(I'll preface this review by saying that I've come into the game pretty much completely blind. All I knew was that it's a Rockstar game, that you're a cop, and that it's set in Los Angeles in the time period where everyone wore a hat. Most of my observations here will be obvious to anyone who has at least heard about the game before.)
I wanted to like this game, but it simply wouldn't let me. It started off pretty good, firmly establishing a general vibe to expect of the rest of the story. You mostly play as Cole Phelps, a cop and a cliché of a hero who doesn't view himself as a hero, but if someone tells him to do something that's not heroic, he tells them to shut up (politely, of course) and rushes in to be a hero. A couple hours into the game, literally all of L.A. knows you and random passers-by start saying things like "Wow, I know this guy, I read in the newspapers that he's an honest cop!" That, by itself, is completely fine. There's nothing wrong with stories like that, and the general feel is quite satisfying as long as you suspend your disbelief.
Gameplay-wise, the game can be broadly broken down into two categories: figuring out dank conspiracies, and shitty minigames that come up just a little bit too often to be forgettable.
The latter really got under my skin:
"Oh no, this person started running away when we told him we're policemen. Quickly, protagonist, chase him by running very slightly faster than he does while everyone else does nothing of use!"
"Oh no, this person is driving away from us because we told him we're policemen. Quickly, protagonist, drive the car slightly faster than they do!"
"Uh oh, this man is engaging you in a fist fight. Quickly, mash the left mouse button until the game tells you you can press Q or R at which point you win and he loses!"
"Shh, this woman is going to a place and we want to follow her. Awkwardly follow her closely, but be careful, she'll be turning around and checking if anyone is following her!"
It's kinda fun the first time around, but by the time you see the fifth instalment of the "LAPD, we need to ask some ques- OH NO HE'S RUNNING WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!" cutscene, there just isn't enough suspension of disbelief to go with. Some of the minigames are pretty difficult, but in a bad way. Luckily, after you've fucked up 3 times, you can just skip the "action sequence" and get back to the action. So that's good.
Figuring out crimes is the fun part, but that, too, loses its novelty quickly. You mostly figure out who dun it by looking at things and interviewing people.
Looking at things is easy: you go to a place, you walk around until you hear an ominous chime, then you click the left mouse button for Phelps to pick a thing up. Then you rotate the item until the camera zooms in on a pertinent detail and voila, you've learned a thing!
Interviewing people boils down to asking them questions and then deciding how to respond. Your options are named "Truth," "Doubt," and "Lie." The third option is pretty clear - you reckon what they just said contradicts the evidence, and you're about to slam the evidence in their motherfucking face, Phoenix Wright-style. "Doubt" and "Truth" are a bit more difficult. Especially "Doubt," which can mean anything between "uhhh I dunno buddy can I maybe have some more info?" to Phelps losing his shit and threatening to jail an unborn baby, which is
clearly an accomplice. You can't really know what will happen if you hit "Doubt." Now, you're not always privy to enough information to immediately know whether or not your interviewee is lying, but have no fear! You can read the dumb oafs' facial expressions, which
always give them away. Just stare them down for 5 seconds, and if they do something like this
they're lying, or at least not telling the whole truth. It's never more subtle than that.
Seriously.Eventually, the game forgets its original vibe of Mr Happy-Go-Lucky being a virtuous hero working for good. Without any explanation at all, seemingly for no reason at all, he does something bad (
he puts his peepee in a woman who's not his wife, or at least it's heavily implied), and people find out and now everyone hates him. Some people won't even shake his hand, the city riff-raff now says a mix of good and bad things about him when they see him, and radio receivers across the entire metropolis talk about how he did a bad thing. On repeat. He gets demoted, but it's okay, because he's still very good at his job, so he does what he does best - his job. Despite being assigned to a shitty department, he still successfully uncovers 400 dank conspiracies, then things get intense, and just when it looks like we might get some closure, he dies. The end.
7/10 would play. It had just enough great moments to push me through the teeth-grinding stupidity of the whole thing. Go play it, enjoy it, and then come to hate it with me.