Ok, children, are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin.
Bert and the Beanstalk of Terror.Bert was a hardworking giant. He'd toiled for many years, helping villagers erect barns, he'd carried their horses and cows to the vet when they were ill, he jobbed a little at harvest time piling up haystacks and he was very good at picking fruit due to being able to reach into the trees easily. But Bert was getting on a bit now. He'd saved a nest egg of gold coins, and invested some of his savings into a goose that laid golden eggs so as to get a passive income into his retirement years. He had also been given a retirement gift by the villagers of a harp that played by itself to entertain him and his wife Bella, so as they may share romantic evenings in together.
Bert couldn't live in a normal house. Being 11 feet tall, he had profound health problems and needed a custom built home with high ceilings and large doors. Unable to afford any land himself, Bert decided to build a home on a cloud. It was a fine home and Bert was very happy there with his wife. He often joked that every Englishman's home was his castle, and that was their castle in the clouds.
However Bert was woken early by Bella one morning.
"Bert!" she exclaimed. "We've been burgled". As the tears rolled down her cheeks, she explained how all their life savings had been stolen. Every last coin.
Bert was understandably furious. "Call the police", he boomed in his big giant's voice. Bella did just that. After the call she told Bert that the police didn't see this as a serious crime as no one got injured and that she'd been given a victim support helpline number to call. To think of all the tax Bert had paid over the years. He was distraught.
"I just feel so violated" he told his wife. "I can still smell the guy who did it. And I've no idea what to do for dinner. We've got nothing in. Not even enough flour to make a loaf of bread".
"Fee-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman,
Be he alive, or be he dead
I'll grind his bones to make my bread"
"Settle down, dear", said Bella lovingly. We've still got the goose. Once it lays another egg, I'll be able to cash that in and we'll be able to get some food. I hear Cyril managed to buy an entire cow for just 5 beans earlier this week. Not sure the goose will lay today because it is traumatised from the home invader, but it'll likely lay an egg tomorrow and we'll be fine.
That night they both went to bed, kissed each other goodnight as they always did, and went to sleep.
The next morning Bella woke Bert very early. "Its gone. We've been burgled again". She was sobbing uncontrollably. "We are ruined, the goose has been stolen!". Bert was furious. They now had nothing. "Call the police!" he boomed in his big giant's voice. Bella did just that. After the call she told Bert that the police weren't very sympathetic and suggested that they needed to beef up their security. They suggested looking around the property for entry points. Ladders, broken windows or beanstalks.
They did a thorough examination of the property, and sure enough, late into the day Bella noticed a beanstalk running up from the ground all the way to their cloud. "Its getting dark now, cut it down first thing in the morning." Bella suggested.
"I can't sleep said the giant. I can still smell that guy in our house and we've even less to eat today."
"Fee-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman,
Be he alive, or be he dead
I'll grind his bones to make my bread"
"Settle down, dear", said Bella lovingly. We've still got the harp. I'll get it to play to help you feel more relaxed so you can sleep.
That night they both went to bed, kissed each other goodnight as they always did, and went to sleep.
That night however, the harp began playing all by itself. Bella woke Bert "Bert, the harp has started playing. I think we are being burgled again!".
"You're right" explained Bert. "I can smell that soap dodging Englishman in my house again".
"Fee-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman,
Be he alive, or be he dead
I'll grind his bones to make my bread"
"Yes, do that!" exclaimed Bella. "Kill that thieving mother fucker!". Bert lept out of bed and started running towards the beanstalk. He could make out an unwashed thief shinning his way down the beanstalk.
"Be careful!" Bella exclaimed. Bert started to make his way down the beanstalk but not a quarter of the way down, the beanstalk gave way. Bert was sent crashing to the ground. His head split open and Bert was dead.
Bella called the police. "Can't you do something?" she asked. "My husband is dead".
"Well we haven't anything to go on really"said the policeman."
"What about the proceeds of crime act?" asked Bella. "Can't you arrest the man for holding stolen goods and return them to me. I've not only lost my husband but all my worldly goods. I've nothing to live on".
"I'm sorry. We'd need a warrant, and we wouldn't get one as we can only suspect Jack. We haven't any real evidence."
13 days later, Bella's emaciated corpse was found lying in the cloud. Meanwhile Jack was seen about town in a new pair of expensive boots driving an ornate carriage. He and his mother lived happily ever after.