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Its that time of the year again. At 8pm tonight (GMT) Eurovision kicks off! Countdown clock here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/timeline)
26 nations will come together and battle it out in the final for European supremacy. If anyone was in any doubt that maps of earth are hoaxed, Australia it seems is in Europe and will be competing in the final with a song called Sound of Silence.
There will be live flat earth commentary of this most important of events, right here live in this thread. You are welcome to join, I'll be getting progressively drunk until you can't read my posts anymore. The event is streamed and you will be able to sing along and pass your judgement. WATCH LIVE (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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I like these threads. They show a very nice, positive side to you.
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The Netherlands hasn't won since 1975. This could be their first in 40 years.
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I like these threads. They show a very nice, positive side to you.
I like watching homosexuals butchering badly written songs whilst prancing around in lycra and glitter.
Anyhoo, I've downloaded all the flags, I have the running order, I have the videos from the semi-finals in case anyone can't stream live because they live in a fascist state that prohibits them from watching world class talent shows such as China or Florida, and I have a 12 pack of beer that is going to help me get through the evening.
The Netherlands hasn't won since 1975. This could be their first in 40 years.
Australia are in it this year dickface. You don't need to support a European nation. You can root for your brethern.
I'm so excited ... squeeeeee! :D
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Australia are in it this year dickface. You don't need to support a European nation. You can root for your brethern.
Why would I want to support Australia in anything?
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What is the point of putting Australia in our song contest if the Australians are going to go and support the Netherlands? Also, your song is better than the Dutch offering.
http://www.oddschecker.com/tv/eurovision/winner
Australia are joint favourites with Russia to win it! That's how much Europeans hate each other right now. We'll vote someone outside of Europe as champion of Europe, just to spite every other b*st*rd in Europe.
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What is the point of this whole thing?
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What is the point of this whole thing?
The singing is largely irrelevant. The voting after has no bearing on that. It is a political acid test to see which nations are friends with who, and which nations are the most unpopular. Its also an excuse for me to get blind drunk enough to watch transsexuals gyrating, knowing I've had too much to get sexually aroused.
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We're about half an hour away, get your drinks ready, download the little chrome extension thing to watch the stream and you should be good to go.
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And we're off ...
Got my beer, got my flags ready ...
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Yep, its weird already ...
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biggest cheer of the night so far for Australia as they are introduced. We'll be into the acts soon, but we have a bit of an intro and some 'light comedy' to get through first.
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here we go....
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(http://i67.tinypic.com/2rh9vl0.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iP3USrYpr5w
Nation: Belgium
Singer: Laura Tesoro
Song: What's the Pressure
Bookmaker odds: 100/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
First up this evening is Laura from Belgium. She's got the best draw of the night, number 1. She can go hit the bar and enjoy the rest of the show like us after she's done. This peppy little ginger reminds me of a young Bonnie Langford (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bonnie_Langford). She's cute enough but doesn't get her flumps out. Without supporting norks, the song is average and won't stand up on its own. Belgium can always rely on a few points from France. They might get a few sympathy points because of the bombings recently, but I predict mid-table obscurity.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i64.tinypic.com/2448bvn.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L2imZRo6NY
Nation: Czech Republic
Singer: Gabriela Gunčíková
Song: I stand
Bookmaker odds: 300/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Eurovision keeping the euro-totty coming and we have Gabriela from the Czech Republic. Good luck pronouncing her surname. I actually really like this tune but she is a rank outsider. She's probably the wrong side of 25 to do well at eurovision, shallow creatures that us Europeans are. Whilst I've always had a thing for Czech girls, she's going to struggle for votes. Serbia, Croatia and Poland will likely chip in, after that, she's on her own.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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you know, you are all ok to comment too :'(
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I do like that one.
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(http://i63.tinypic.com/2r5xqw8.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vytgHD2pqyk
Nation: Netherlands
Singer: Douwe Bob
Song: Slow Down
Bookmaker odds: 80/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
First act for the ladies, and Parsifal's adopted nation Netherlands, have sent Douwe. The squeaky-faced Harry Styles wannabe strums his guitar and that's about it. He doesn't dance, he doesn't dress outrageously and despite his 80/1 billing from the bookmakers, I find this song really irritating. Worst one so far by a country mile for me, but France and Germany will stuff their ballot full of Dutch votes.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i63.tinypic.com/33cudu8.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dix6XJ_Uo-w
Nation: Azerbaijan
Singer: Samra
Song: Miracle
Bookmaker odds: 225/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
I'm not entirely sure that Azerbaijan can claim to be in Europe, so for me a technical disqualification, but the 2011 winners are back with Samara. This girl can hold a tune but sings through her nose a bit. I actually like it though and think 225/1 is harsh. Russia will throw some points at them. Is it me or is Eurovision toned down this year? No one seems to be dressed like a lunatic thus far. :-\
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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Well, I'm enjoying Miss Azerbaijan.
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(http://i63.tinypic.com/sxds15.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU8wso6fngM
Nation: Hungary
Singer: Freddie
Song: Pioneer
Bookmaker odds: 300/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Freddie has been sent by Hungary with one singular purpose. To melt the loins of European women. Tall, just the right amount of stubble, raspy manly voice ... you know this guy loves himself and is an absolute dick to other people, but here he is at 300/1. Dance you lazy sod. Freddie is going to try to get through this one on looks alone, and Freddie is going to get a shock. Hungary borders a lot of neighbours and they always do ok for points, but he's not going to be getting core votes from the vikings or anywhere with a banking crisis.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i67.tinypic.com/n383s1.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WySSLip5uzc
Nation: Italy
Singer: Francesca Michielin
Song: No Degree Of Separation
Bookmaker odds: 100/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Francesca makes the brave decision to be the first artist to sing in her native tongue rather than English. Historically this is always a disadvantage because no one else knows what the Thork you are singing about. I don't know what is going on with this song. It is completely unmemorable, she's made no effort to show her arse to the crowd and she's another one conservatively dressed. Also, is it too early to #whiteeurovision? Not much diversity this year ... they'll be a shit storm if we don't see some more brown faces.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i63.tinypic.com/2b8ykz.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpWKfcjXcp0
Nation: Israel
Singer: Hovi Star
Song: Made Of Stars
Bookmaker odds: 100/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Well thank Christ for Hovi. That's the kind of shit hair that belongs in Eurovision. The song is ok, Hovi can sing, but the tubby-faced Jew is going to find it hard to pick up votes. Israel has been naughty recently and Europe is going to take it out on Hovi. I can't see where he's likely to get any votes at all. 3 times winners Israel will be going home empty-handed.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKsNfccUTuk
Nation: Bulgaria
Singer: Poli Genova
Song: If Love Was A Crime
Bookmaker odds: 125/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Massively regretting this format now. Seriously sick of Ctrl-alt-c, Ctrl-alt v. Poli has gone stupid with her hair as well and shaved half of it off. She's not unattractive, but she isn't sexy either. She should also be hanged for crimes against auto-tune. I'm really not happy with this effort but like Hungary, this is another nation with dozens of neighbours who all suck each others dicks in the voting. She's not going to get humiliated.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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why is Israel there?
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(http://i63.tinypic.com/a7910.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8D7KNFtTlE
Nation: Sweden
Singer: Frans
Song: If I Were Sorry
Bookmaker odds: 20/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
If you aren't familiar with Eurovision, the aim of the game is to do ok, but not to win it. If you win it, you have to host it next year ... and it is expensive. Sweden, this year's hosts, have obviously realized how expensive and have sent ugly Frans out with a bad song to make damned sure they don't win again. Problem for Sweden is that all the other nations near them give them votes and this is reflected in 20/1 odds. But Frans is shit enough, the competition will be hosted somewhere else next year.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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why is Israel there?
We also had Azerbaijan and Australia! Its a mess.
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???
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-Z7pKopP9s
Nation: Germany
Singer: Jamie-Lee
Song: Ghost
Bookmaker odds: 300/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
This is more like it. What the Thork is she wearing? Looks like some kind of Anime gone wrong. I would feel a bit sorry for whoever Germany sent out tonight. This will surely be the night everyone else in Europe tells Germany just how much they hate Angela Merkel, German banks, cheating emissions German car manufacturers, mass immigration and hairy armpits. But I just can't feel sorry for Jamie-Lee because that bitch is tone deaf. 300/1 ... she's gonna be lucky to avoid the dreaded nil-points.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boYQovCybYQ
Nation: France
Singer: Amir
Song: J'ai cherché
Bookmaker odds: 20/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
The French as unusually singing in English. They never sing in English. They see it as some kind of accomplishment to always stick to their native language. 20/1 I think is a little strong. France aren't that popular politically, the song is forgettable, the singer is forgettable, the lyrics are forgettable and there is too much electronic pop crap going on. I think the bookies have been very generous. The 5 time champions haven't won since 1977, I don't think this will be their year either.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i64.tinypic.com/xn9cgy.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sjup9PJ25LM
Nation: Poland
Singer: Michał Szpak
Song: Color Of Your Life
Bookmaker odds: 200/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Poland have sent Rapunzel to capture the european crown this year. Michal isn't a bad singer, the tune is Ok, and Michal is probably just about the only Pole left in Poland now so it isn't like they have a lot of choice. Shout out to SexWarrior, our resident Pole, who is going to want to see this do well. But alas, no glory this time.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EG_Jtw4OyU
Nation: Australia
Singer: Dami Im
Song: Sound of Silence
Bookmaker odds: 44/19
Dr Thork's Verdict:
I have no idea how Australia have become permanent fixtures of the Eurovision song contest, but they are back again this year ... and they are red hot favourites along with Russia. The song is ok, but I really don't fancy Dami. She looks a little plastic and like she's just going through the motions as well. But what do I know?. Won't be getting my telephone vote, but will undoubtedly be there right until the end.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8LcNrqiIFE
Nation: Cyrus
Singer: Minus One
Song: Alter Ego
Bookmaker odds: 200/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Minus One seem to be suffering from an identity crisis. The lead singer looks to be from Assassin's creed, there are shades of Mad Max, there's a guy who thinks he's slash and the video has Ford Mustangs and coyote's in it ... so all things synonymous with Cyprus then. The whole routine is a mess. Piss off back to your little island and come back with something better next year. >o< *slurps beer*
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqh-XVcjmHc
Nation: Serbia
Singer: Sanja Vučić ZAA
Song: Goodbye (Shelter)
Bookmaker odds: 150/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Usually every year there are one or two absolutely stunning looking women. Sanja isn't one of them. Is wearing chain mail, is doing weird things with her hands, has a massive gob ... sorry nil-points.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i65.tinypic.com/2hqdq1e.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSncll5CG-I
Nation: Lithuania
Singer: Donny Montell
Song: I've Been Waiting for This Night
Bookmaker odds: 300/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Lithuania have never won the Eurovision song contest. Tonight will be no different. Donny looks as though he has lost the rest of his boy band. The song seems really dated. I hate this Donny. You've let your fans down, you've let your country down, and most of all, you have let yourself down. Awful. - Donny is going to get points from Russia and Estonia though.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i67.tinypic.com/4v5t04.jpg)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPDKaOgkAGY
Nation: Croatia
Singer: Nina Kraljić
Song: Lighthouse
Bookmaker odds: 300/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
No, Croatia, no. What is going on with her hair, she's 20 years too old, the song sucks and you put NASA style space crap in her video. This woman is the ugliest to have emerged so far tonight and her singing isn't going to save her cos she isn't very good. Points from the other Balkan states though.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i65.tinypic.com/28aoz91.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHgxi57Um0w
Nation: Russia
Singer: Sergey Lazarev
Song: You are the only one
Bookmaker odds: 10/11
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Look at those odds! Its a done deal. Want to be the next Crimea? Better vote for Sergey then. That said this is a proper Eurovision song. Its how the winners usually sound and Russia is on the money. I'd be happy to see this win. Something and lightning, dooby doo dooby ... more beer.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i65.tinypic.com/4jbbxe.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0I37W3RN_U
Nation: Spain
Singer: Barei
Song: Say Yay!
Bookmaker odds: 200/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Shit, is it 1987? Barei looks the part for this cheese fest but her song is a bit lame. This effort is difficult to love. Too bouncy and repetitive. Also no one ever gives Spain points. This girl is Thorked.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i68.tinypic.com/64jh41.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_J8cb2bvcY
Nation: Latvia
Singer: Justs
Song: Heartbeat
Bookmaker odds: 100/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Well he's a nice boy, isn't he? Wham! Unlike George Micheal, this guy can't sing. His clothes are doing him no favours ... this is the kind of shit that gives Eurovision a bad name! >:( Points from the Ruskies and all their allies, but nothing to fear.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxS6eKEOdLQ
Nation: Ukraine
Singer: Jamala
Song: 1944
Bookmaker odds: 14/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Another middle aged lady who isn't all that good. Song is just utterly boring. I'm glad I have lots of beer. Expect Ukraine to get shed loads of points. They do every single year and it is purely because politics.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i63.tinypic.com/5xqv02.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5VynlW6Xeo
Nation: Georgia
Singer: Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz
Song: Midnight Gold
Bookmaker odds: 300/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Midnight Gold ... more like Eurovision gold! A guy dressed up like a mad scientist, the munsters, a large cast of untalented extras ... good job Georgia. Will get points from the Russian block ... but not many.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i68.tinypic.com/66j6ds.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pvhx0z3ZFI
Nation: Austria
Singer: ZOË
Song: Loin d'ici
Bookmaker odds: 100/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Zoe has decided to dress as a princess and why not? She's not going to win so lets go out and have a nice time. Austria have put the poor cow on a treadmill so she has to walk the entire song but towards the end its all full of bubbles and toadstools, it is quite nauseating. Very few points for this girl, Austria have few friends in the Eurozone.
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i68.tinypic.com/28lue50.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5VvsLEd1TI
Nation: United Kingdom
Singer: Joe and Jake
Song: You're Not Alone
Bookmaker odds: 150/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
The penultimate act of the night, and its my home nation. And we sent a couple of soft lads to mince in front of all of Europe. How dignified. Simon Cowell needs his bollocks nailed to a chair. This kind of saccharine child-pop is all too prevalent. I hope Joe gets cancer and Jake dies of a broken heart. >:(
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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(http://i63.tinypic.com/2uzb9jt.png)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7m3wOGhEvE
Nation: Armenia
Singer: Iveta Mukuchyan
Song: LoveWave
Bookmaker odds: 40/1
Dr Thork's Verdict:
Last one and thank Christ for that! And we finished with a hottie. Iveta would get it. Where is the post what you'd hit thread? Song is ok too. Good job Armenia, you can come back next year.
And that is it ... on to the voting!
*You can watch the show live here (http://www.eurovision.tv/page/webtv?program=213583)
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Russia will probably win so I'm off to the pub. I suspect I still haven't converted any of you to the wonders of Eurovision, but there is always next year!
I've been your host Thork, none of you gave a shit ... goodnight! :D
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That was fun.
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Nina Kraljić is 24 years old, and Jamala is 32.
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Late update ... And the winners are ... Ukraine. 14/1 ... nice little return if you'd picked that out.
Ukraine, you lost Crimea, you won Eurovision. See, everything balances itself out.
UK 3rd from last. Good job boys. So I think Brexit. The Europeans hate us. Eurovision should be used by the leave campaign as the defacto reason to leave. If those greasy euro-wop dickfaces won't vote for us, we'll leave their shitty club.
Till next year ... Thork out.
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What is the point of putting Australia in our song contest
Beats me.
Also, your song is better than the Dutch offering.
It's a pop music contest. Submitting a song which is actually good is a handicap.