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« on: December 03, 2024, 01:07:14 PM »
Just Watched: The Black Hole
Disney 1979
Massive spoiler, pretty much all the spoilers, but it’s ok. If you haven’t seen this movie, DON’T WATCH IT. If you’ve already seen it, then you know the deal. If you haven’t seen it, I’m telling you, DON’T.
Ok, ok, so I had never seen this movie. Despite being a sci-fi Star Wars kid, I somehow never saw this. I knew it was out there, and I’d seen the toy action figures but never saw the movie, which it turns out was better for my life overall. But after decades, the apparently well executed special effects and mysterious story line finally got my curiosity up. I sat through the whole movie and just WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
Seriously, what the fuck?!?
It looked like it would be a normal sci-fi type thing but it was Walt Disney’s first PG rated movie and nobody had any clue who this movie was made for.
It starts off all normal like a small group of astronauts going to explore one of the galaxy’s most mysterious objects, The Black Hole. So far so good. But in the gravity well of the blackhole they find a giant, spooky, old space ship from years past. How freaky! Oh wait. It’s a ship that was carrying one of the main characters’ fathers when it disappeared years ago! That’s even freakier! It turns out that the captain of the old ghost ship is a bearded Captain Ahab kind of guy running this massive ship with a crew of androids. But none of this story will matter because eventually, everyone’s going in the hole. As with most Ahab types, he’s obsessed, and in this case, he’s obsessed with the glory that awaits in the hole and has some self-destructive plan to get it.
Ahab’s sidekick is a seven-foot-tall red robot called ‘Maximillion’ that floats around with stiff unarticulated limbs, shooting laser beams out of his eye slot like ‘Gort’ from the 1950’s. He doesn’t talk or anything, he just floats around menacing people like a giant red dildo. It’s one of the saddest excuses for a robot in the galaxy but it doesn’t matter, they’re all going in the hole. There is a good guy droid about the size of a floating garbage can that has the voice of Slim Pickens and an idiotic painted face. He dies but at least he doesn’t go in the hole.
There is more pointless story line and the good guy scientists start to figure out that Ahab is crazy and the dildobot is a murderous asshole. *JUMPSCARE* The crew isn’t androids! They’re the human crew zombified into slavery by Ahab! None of it will matter in the hole.
There are shoot outs, close calls! The ghost ship’s control systems are damaged! More explosions, Ahab is trapped under falling debris on the bridge of his ship as it tumbles into the black hole!
The good guys make it to an escape pod and flee the ghost ship. But, *JUMP SCARE* the escape pod is preprogrammed to go directly into the black hole! Ahab was going to use it to penetrate the hole! There’s no escape for the good guys! Everybody's going in the hole!
Now at this point, if everybody in the movie had been crushed into background radiation, it could have been a pointless adventure movie that no one survived, like The Perfect Storm. It would have sucked but at least it would have been NORMAL.
With just minutes left in the movie, things get seriously fucked up. The ghost ship falls into the hole and Ahab finds himself floating in space, without a space suit. He’s floating in a black night sky and suddenly, he’s face to face with the evil dildobot. They somehow melt together and he’s inside the dildobot! You can see his terrified face looking out of dildobot’s eye slot! But he’s not in space anymore, he’s in Hell! Seriously, Hell. Not a hellscape planet like where Obi Wan chopped off Anakin Skywalker’s legs, it’s literally Hell with fire, lava and marching lines of suffering souls! The dude ends up in Hell? Seriously? What the fuck?
The good guys in the escape pod start to tumble into the hole by turning the camera over and over with a stretchy lens. White light envelopes their ship and there, in the black hole, is an angel! Not a winged extraterrestrial or non-corporeal energy being, an actual fucking angel! It looked like it might have been some white, blonde lady. Why'd they stop with just a angel, why not have Jesus in the hole. You know there was no way a Dancing Ganesha was going to show up.
You’re thinking that there’s no way that’s an angel in the black hole but it’s there in your face!
The angel leads the escape pod down a corridor, the corridor to some kind of chapel. There’s stained glass window effects, it looks like some North American Protestant chapel, like probably Methodist.
So, the angel leads the pod down the corridor of some giant Methodist chapel in space and it opens up to a view of a lush green planet and a brilliant white sun. They come to an orbit around some beautiful planet and THE END! Black Screen. What the fuck?
It was just like the end of Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, the screen goes black and the whole audience just sits there in stunned silence trying to figure out, What the fuck was that? What did I just watch?
And it was supposed to be for kids! There were action figures and a breakfast cereal promotion. But, then you have to explain the ending to your kid? That the bad guy will burn in hell forever while the good guys are up in Heaven with Grandma?
Fuck this movie.
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