EUROVISION 2016 WITH XTRA THORK!

Thork · « **Reply #20 on:** May 14, 2016, 07:28:35 PM »

Nation: Hungary
Singer: Freddie
Song: Pioneer
Bookmaker odds: 300/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
Freddie has been sent by Hungary with one singular purpose. To melt the loins of European women. Tall, just the right amount of stubble, raspy manly voice ... you know this guy loves himself and is an absolute dick to other people, but here he is at 300/1. Dance you lazy sod. Freddie is going to try to get through this one on looks alone, and Freddie is going to get a shock. Hungary borders a lot of neighbours and they always do ok for points, but he's not going to be getting core votes from the vikings or anywhere with a banking crisis.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #21 on:** May 14, 2016, 07:32:22 PM »

Nation: Italy
Singer: Francesca Michielin
Song: No Degree Of Separation
Bookmaker odds: 100/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
Francesca makes the brave decision to be the first artist to sing in her native tongue rather than English. Historically this is always a disadvantage because no one else knows what the Thork you are singing about. I don't know what is going on with this song. It is completely unmemorable, she's made no effort to show her arse to the crowd and she's another one conservatively dressed. Also, is it too early to #whiteeurovision? Not much diversity this year ... they'll be a shit storm if we don't see some more brown faces.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #22 on:** May 14, 2016, 07:36:34 PM »

Nation: Israel
Singer: Hovi Star
Song: Made Of Stars
Bookmaker odds: 100/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
Well thank Christ for Hovi. That's the kind of shit hair that belongs in Eurovision. The song is ok, Hovi can sing, but the tubby-faced Jew is going to find it hard to pick up votes. Israel has been naughty recently and Europe is going to take it out on Hovi. I can't see where he's likely to get any votes at all. 3 times winners Israel will be going home empty-handed.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #23 on:** May 14, 2016, 07:40:31 PM »

Nation: Bulgaria
Singer: Poli Genova
Song: If Love Was A Crime
Bookmaker odds: 125/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
Massively regretting this format now. Seriously sick of Ctrl-alt-c, Ctrl-alt v. Poli has gone stupid with her hair as well and shaved half of it off. She's not unattractive, but she isn't sexy either. She should also be hanged for crimes against auto-tune. I'm really not happy with this effort but like Hungary, this is another nation with dozens of neighbours who all suck each others dicks in the voting. She's not going to get humiliated.

*You can watch the show live here

beardo · « **Reply #24 on:** May 14, 2016, 07:42:57 PM »

why is Israel there?

Thork · « **Reply #25 on:** May 14, 2016, 07:44:47 PM »

Nation: Sweden
Singer: Frans
Song: If I Were Sorry
Bookmaker odds: 20/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
If you aren't familiar with Eurovision, the aim of the game is to do ok, but not to win it. If you win it, you have to host it next year ... and it is expensive. Sweden, this year's hosts, have obviously realized how expensive and have sent ugly Frans out with a bad song to make damned sure they don't win again. Problem for Sweden is that all the other nations near them give them votes and this is reflected in 20/1 odds. But Frans is shit enough, the competition will be hosted somewhere else next year.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #26 on:** May 14, 2016, 07:45:13 PM »

Quote from: beardo on May 14, 2016, 07:42:57 PM

why is Israel there?

We also had Azerbaijan and Australia! Its a mess.

beardo · « **Reply #27 on:** May 14, 2016, 07:47:20 PM »

Thork · « **Reply #28 on:** May 14, 2016, 07:48:21 PM »

Nation: Germany
Singer: Jamie-Lee
Song: Ghost
Bookmaker odds: 300/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
This is more like it. What the Thork is she wearing? Looks like some kind of Anime gone wrong. I would feel a bit sorry for whoever Germany sent out tonight. This will surely be the night everyone else in Europe tells Germany just how much they hate Angela Merkel, German banks, cheating emissions German car manufacturers, mass immigration and hairy armpits. But I just can't feel sorry for Jamie-Lee because that bitch is tone deaf. 300/1 ... she's gonna be lucky to avoid the dreaded nil-points.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #29 on:** May 14, 2016, 07:53:27 PM »

Nation: France
Singer: Amir
Song: J'ai cherché
Bookmaker odds: 20/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
The French as unusually singing in English. They never sing in English. They see it as some kind of accomplishment to always stick to their native language. 20/1 I think is a little strong. France aren't that popular politically, the song is forgettable, the singer is forgettable, the lyrics are forgettable and there is too much electronic pop crap going on. I think the bookies have been very generous. The 5 time champions haven't won since 1977, I don't think this will be their year either.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #30 on:** May 14, 2016, 07:57:11 PM »

Nation: Poland
Singer: Michał Szpak
Song: Color Of Your Life
Bookmaker odds: 200/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
Poland have sent Rapunzel to capture the european crown this year. Michal isn't a bad singer, the tune is Ok, and Michal is probably just about the only Pole left in Poland now so it isn't like they have a lot of choice. Shout out to SexWarrior, our resident Pole, who is going to want to see this do well. But alas, no glory this time.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #31 on:** May 14, 2016, 08:01:06 PM »

Nation: Australia
Singer: Dami Im
Song: Sound of Silence
Bookmaker odds: 44/19

Dr Thork's Verdict:
I have no idea how Australia have become permanent fixtures of the Eurovision song contest, but they are back again this year ... and they are red hot favourites along with Russia. The song is ok, but I really don't fancy Dami. She looks a little plastic and like she's just going through the motions as well. But what do I know?. Won't be getting my telephone vote, but will undoubtedly be there right until the end.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #32 on:** May 14, 2016, 08:07:39 PM »

Nation: Cyrus
Singer: Minus One
Song: Alter Ego
Bookmaker odds: 200/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
Minus One seem to be suffering from an identity crisis. The lead singer looks to be from Assassin's creed, there are shades of Mad Max, there's a guy who thinks he's slash and the video has Ford Mustangs and coyote's in it ... so all things synonymous with Cyprus then. The whole routine is a mess. Piss off back to your little island and come back with something better next year.

*slurps beer*

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #33 on:** May 14, 2016, 08:11:56 PM »

Nation: Serbia
Singer: Sanja Vučić ZAA
Song: Goodbye (Shelter)
Bookmaker odds: 150/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
Usually every year there are one or two absolutely stunning looking women. Sanja isn't one of them. Is wearing chain mail, is doing weird things with her hands, has a massive gob ... sorry nil-points.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #34 on:** May 14, 2016, 08:15:53 PM »

Nation: Lithuania
Singer: Donny Montell
Song: I've Been Waiting for This Night
Bookmaker odds: 300/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
Lithuania have never won the Eurovision song contest. Tonight will be no different. Donny looks as though he has lost the rest of his boy band. The song seems really dated. I hate this Donny. You've let your fans down, you've let your country down, and most of all, you have let yourself down. Awful. - Donny is going to get points from Russia and Estonia though.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #35 on:** May 14, 2016, 08:19:50 PM »

Nation: Croatia
Singer: Nina Kraljić
Song: Lighthouse
Bookmaker odds: 300/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
No, Croatia, no. What is going on with her hair, she's 20 years too old, the song sucks and you put NASA style space crap in her video. This woman is the ugliest to have emerged so far tonight and her singing isn't going to save her cos she isn't very good. Points from the other Balkan states though.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #36 on:** May 14, 2016, 08:23:46 PM »

Nation: Russia
Singer: Sergey Lazarev
Song: You are the only one
Bookmaker odds: 10/11

Dr Thork's Verdict:
Look at those odds! Its a done deal. Want to be the next Crimea? Better vote for Sergey then. That said this is a proper Eurovision song. Its how the winners usually sound and Russia is on the money. I'd be happy to see this win. Something and lightning, dooby doo dooby ... more beer.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #37 on:** May 14, 2016, 08:27:54 PM »

Nation: Spain
Singer: Barei
Song: Say Yay!
Bookmaker odds: 200/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
Shit, is it 1987? Barei looks the part for this cheese fest but her song is a bit lame. This effort is difficult to love. Too bouncy and repetitive. Also no one ever gives Spain points. This girl is Thorked.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #38 on:** May 14, 2016, 08:32:05 PM »

Nation: Latvia
Singer: Justs
Song: Heartbeat
Bookmaker odds: 100/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
Well he's a nice boy, isn't he? Wham! Unlike George Micheal, this guy can't sing. His clothes are doing him no favours ... this is the kind of shit that gives Eurovision a bad name!

Points from the Ruskies and all their allies, but nothing to fear.

*You can watch the show live here

Thork · « **Reply #39 on:** May 14, 2016, 08:36:48 PM »

Nation: Ukraine
Singer: Jamala
Song: 1944
Bookmaker odds: 14/1

Dr Thork's Verdict:
Another middle aged lady who isn't all that good. Song is just utterly boring. I'm glad I have lots of beer. Expect Ukraine to get shed loads of points. They do every single year and it is purely because politics.

*You can watch the show live here